Autozam: the Sitcom!
by Sailor Ghost
Summary: Well, I got really hyper one day and thought about how hysterical it would be if the Autozam guys had their own show! Warning: completely insane and way out of character with some shounen-ai references...I should drink coffee more often!!! R&R!!! Episode
1. Episode 1: Robo Geo

Autozam: the Sitcom that Shouldn't be

**Autozam****: the Sitcom that Shouldn't be...but is!!!**

**Episode 1: Robo Geo**

**::opening credits::**

*We see a shirtless Geo sleeping in his boxers on the sofa, drooling and surrounded by what remains of a few hundred Milky Way wrappers. All of a sudden, a chibi Zazu comes running in from nowhere, laughing maniacally and waving Eagle's metal headband above his head. As expected, a red-faced chibi Eagle comes rushing in, attempting unsuccessfully to reclaim his headband from the crazed terrorist. A chase sequence across the screen ensues, until the chibis land on Geo's bare chest, instantly waking the sleeping bishounen and making his eyes turn red in anger. Strangling a chibi in each hand, he proceeds to throw chibi Zazu out the window and drop-kick chibi Eagle out the door. Satisfied, Geo drops down on the couch and falls back asleep...*

**::end of opening credits::**

***

**scene 1:** _the door outside Eagle, Geo, and Zazu's apartment. Eagle is standing there with his would-be new girlfriend...this part is pretty cliche and sappy, so we warn you!_

***

**Elantra:** I had a great time tonight, Eagle! I'm really glad Lantis set us up!

**Eagle:** (_nervous...hey, the guy hasn't had a date in a while! cut him some slack!_) Thanks...uh...you wanna come in or something?

**Elantra:** Sounds great! I wanna meet these infamous friends of yours! 

**Eagle:** (_sweatdropping_) I warn you...my roommates are a little...uhhh...weird...

**Elantra:** Oh, come on! Everyone says that about their roommates! 

**Eagle:** (_grumbles_) No one else has to live with the _Original_ Original Dirty Pair...

**Elantra:** Come again? 

**Eagle:** ...uhhh...nothing...(_opens door_) HEY GEO!!! ZAZU!!!! I'M HOME!!!!!!

**Zazu:** (_sitting on the couch slogging down a beer and watching mud wrestling_) About time you showed up...(_takes a long swig from the beer bottle_)

**Elantra:** Aren't you a little too young to be drinking beer and watching mud wrestling?

**Zazu:** Aren't you a little too old to be dating my best friend? You're pushing 50, am I right? 

**Elantra:** (_through teeth_) We just _HAPPEN_ to be the same _AGE_ thank you...

**Zazu:** Really? (_swig of beer_) It's kind of hard to tell because you're wearing so much makeup. Makes you look like a...

**Eagle:** Where's Geo?? 

**Zazu:** Oh, the rabid wolverines came back. (_takes another swig_)

**Eagle & Elantra:** Rabid...wolverines...?

**Eagle:** I thought we had this place sprayed for wolverines!! *_laugh track_*

**Geo:** (_comes running out his bedroom faster than conceivably possible...wearing what remained of a pair of white pants and a green T-shirt. He slams the door behind him, runs into the kitchen, and starts throwing open cabinets, apparently looking for something_) YAAAAAAAA!!!! PET DANDER!!! ALLERGIES!!! DEATH!!! SHREDDED MY LAST CLEAN PAIR OF PANTS!!!!

**Eagle:** Geo, I'd like you to meet...

**Geo:** (_frantic_) CAN THIS WAIT???????????????? I'M LOOKING FOR MY MEDICATION HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

**Elantra:** (_annoyed_) Yah, I can tell _someone_ here needs it...

**Geo:** (_finding it_) YES! SCORE! (_attempts to open the bottle_) [expletive] child proof lock!! OPEN YOU [expletive] PIECE OF [expletive]!!!!!!! (_struggles and nearly collapses to the floor_)

**Zazu:** I'll get that, big guy! Watch and learn! (_takes the bottle and **magically** lifts the lid off_) Voila!! 

** **

**Geo:** You amaze me sometimes. (_Zazu grins. Geo takes the bottle and pours almost the entire contents of it into his mouth_) Ah guff Ahve gotta dwink sumfink wit diss...(_runs to the fridge and starts sloppily gulping down milk straight from the carton_)

**Elantra:** (_disgusted_) You _LET_ him drink _STRAIGHT_ from the carton??? That's so unsanitary! 

**Zazu:** It's no big deal...Geo's severely lactose intolerant, so he has to drink special stuff. 

**Elantra:** Then how come the carton he drinking from says WHOLE MILK?????

**Geo:** (_eyes shoot open_) HO, GOD, I'M GONNA HURL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (_starts staggering across the room_) my...life...is...flashing before...my....eyes....uuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhh.......... (_staggers even more_)

**Zazu:** (_from a bedroom_) Hey...err..Geo...the wolverines are chewing up your PhD... 

**Elantra:** (_eyebrow raised in horror_) You mean _that_ has a PhD??? 

**Eagle:** (_slightly irritated_) Yes...several actually...Mechanical Enginerring, Pyrotechnology, and I believe Modern Interpretive Dance...

**Geo:** I was valedic.....uuuuuggghhhh....HYAAAHHHH...(_starts making gagging sounds_) excuse me...(_rushes off to the bathroom. After a few seconds, disgusting vomitty noises are heard_)

**Elantra:** eeeeeeewwwwwwwww............

**Eagle:** (_veeeeeeery maaaaad_) I'm gonna kill him...I'm gonna KILL him...

** **

**Geo:** (_comes stumbling back in, half dead_) fooooooooooood.....foooooooood.......digestive... system.....weeeaaaaaak....

**Zazu:** Here ya go. (_hands Geo a cookie. He scarfs the whole plate down_) 

**Geo:** Hey, these are pretty good...what's in 'em? Walnuts?

**Zazu:** Cashews.

**Geo:** (_eyes get kinda puffy and start dripping pus_) Did you say cashews?

**Elantra:** (_cruelly_) Don't tell us...you're allergic, right?

**Geo:** The woman learns. If you'll excuse.... HYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (_vomits_) 

**Elantra:** MY SHOES!!!!!! MY PRECIOUS SHOES!!!!!!

**Eagle:** GEO YOU OAF!!!!!!! APOLOGIZE THIS INSTANT!!!!!! 

**Geo:** (_dizzy_) Mary...had a little...ham....it...smelled like rotten....snow...(_passes out_)

**Zazu:** (_from the back room_) Geo, I hope this Ming vase wasn't _too_ valuable...it's kind of on fire...

**Eagle:** Elantra, I'm SO....huh?? (_looks and sees an Elantra-shaped hole in the door_) GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Ow, my heart....

***

**scene 2:** _You mean you're still reading?? Hats off to ya! Oh, yeah...Eagle is really Po'd here..._

***

**Eagle:** I AM SOOO PO'D!!!! You guys TOTALLY embarassed me in front...

**Geo:** (_face all red & puffy_) I can't help my genetic predispositions, ya know!! 

**Zazu:** (_all beaten & bleeding_) Did_I_ have any control over those [expletive] wolverines coming back?? 

**Eagle:** Not only that but you ruined my chances of ever going out with Elantra again!! Come on, you guys! I haven't had a date in a while!! Is a little courtesy so much to ask?????

**Geo:** (_grins evilly_) That's Ok, Eagle...Lantis is more your type anyways! 

**Eagle:** Hmmmm...you know, now that I thinlk about it....Lantis really IS my type...HEY!!!! (_Geo & Zazu snicker_) WHY YOU!!! (_grabs Geo by the throat_)

**Geo:** (_struggling to breathe_) My...tracheaaaaa...

**Zazu:** HAAA HAA HAAA!!! EAGLE AND LANTIS OH BOY THATS GREAT GEO!!!!!!

**Eagle:** WHY YOU LITTLE!!!! (_grabs Zazu by the throat_)

**Geo:** HEY!! (_grabs Eagle's shoulder and pins him to the ground_) Fighter's rule number one: never, **_NEVER_** attempt to hurt someone smaller than you unless they make the first strike. 

**Eagle:** (_face smashed into the ground_) I'm sorry Geo...can you please get offa me now? You're cutting off my air...(_Geo yanks him to his feet_) Gah...if only I could make mechanical reproductions of you idiots...

**Geo:** OH MY GOOOOOD!!!!! BOOOOMERS!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!! (_ducks under the coffee table_) 

**Eagle & Zazu:** (_stare_)

**Eagle:** Errr....as I was saying...I wish I could make mechanical reproductions of you idiots in order to reduce embarass....(_brilliant flash of the obvious_) Hang on a second guys...(_retreats to the back room_, _mechanical sounds and flashes of lovely colored lights penetrate through the door_)

**Zazu:** When'd he get all those supplies into the bathroom?

***

**scene 3:** _MUUUHUUUHAAAHAAAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Watch as Geo's flashbacks to his previous life as AD Police officer Leon McNichol take a turn for the worst as....well do you really want us giving things away? Do you?_

***

**Eagle:** (_emerges from the back room, silver hair dishevled_) AAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAA!!!!!!!!!! HE LIIIIIIIVES!!!!!!! HEEEEEE LIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!!!! 

**Zazu:** Been sniffing the toilet cleanser again, Eagle? (_swig of beer_)

**Geo:** No, I'd say that's more of a Lysol reaction...(_carefully approaches the nutty-nuts Eagle_) OK, Eagle...I'm going to put you on the niiice to the couch so you can sleep this...

**Eagle:** AHAAAHAAAHAAA!!!! (_sticks finger in Geo's chest_) NOW I NO LONGER HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOU EMBARASSING ME ANYMORE!!!!! 

**Geo:** Aw, could you be any more blunt?

**Eagle:** He cooks, he cleans, he takes less time in the shower then the original...IT'S ROBO GEO!!!!! DAAA DAAA DAAA!!!! (_Throws open door to reveal a Geo dopplegangar_) INTRODUCING ROBO GEO!!!!!!!!!! AHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAA I AM SUCH A GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Geo:** AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! BOOOOMERRR!!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR......hey, are my abs really that tight in real life? (_proceeds to poke Robo Geo's metal 6-pack_) Sweet!! It's like poking a mirror image! (_pokes it some more_) 

**Zazu:** Wow, Eagle, I really have to hand it too ya here! (_whips out a wrench and grins evilly_) Think you could whip me up a girl robot back there? (_letcherous laugh_)

**Eagle:** And the best part is.....WE CAN JUST BOOT THE OLD GEO OUT!!!!

**Zazu:** What's wrong with the old Geo?? He's my bestest buddy! (_looks at his beer bottle_) Er...my second bestest buddy...

**Eagle:** (_eye twitches_) The old Geo is oblivious, clumsy, luckless, slobby, and worst of all...HE STOCKPILES ALL THE GOBSTOPPERS IN HIS ROOM AND WON'T SHARE!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY'RE ONE THIRD MINE IT'S MY APARTMENT TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Geo:** HEY I SPENT MY ENTIRE CHRISTMAS BONUS ON THOSE GOBSTOPPERS!!!!!!!! THEY'RE RIGHTFULLY MINE YOU BAKA, SO DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!! (_sticks his tongue out at Eagle_)

**Eagle:** Well, can the old Geo do _this_? (_proudly pushes a button_)

**Robo Geo:** (_coming to life_) Salutations, gentlemen! What may I do for you this evening? 

**Geo:** HOLY SCHNIKES!!!! (_whips out a water pistol from nowhere_ _and talks into his wristwatch as if its some type of communicator_) We gotta rogue boomer at 10 o'clock!! (_looks at Zazu_) WHERE IN KAMI-SAMA'S NAME IS YOUR BOOSTER RIFLE?!?! WE GOTTA KNOCK OUT THIS BOOMER BEFORE THE *gaaaaaasssssp* KNIGHT SABERS GET HERE!!!! (_attempts to shoot Robo Geo, but a puny stream of water squirts out instead_) OH FOR THE LOVE OF SEKIRA!!!!! (_goes off to...er..."reload"_)

**Robo Geo:** Shall I provide Mr. Metro with psychological aid? My database scanner can recommend a highly specialized doctor for all his psychiatric needs.

**Zazu:** Database scanner? (_low whistle_) I'm impressed!

**Robo Geo:** I thank you, Mr. Torque. But that is not the extent of my functions. Shall I tell him of my myriad of other operations, Father?

**Eagle:** (_eyes sparkly and on the verge of tears_) He called me father!!! Isn't that cuuuuuuuuute?!?! (_hugs Robo Geo_) You're daddy's little precious! Yes you are!

**Zazu:** Um, Eagle? You're acting really, really gay right now. 

**Eagle:** (_snapping out of it_) Errrr...ummm...Well, anyways this Geo is 20 times better than the original! He's programmed to do whatever we tell him! 

**Zazu:** So I can force him to clean my room, feed my fish, and do my laundry??

**Eagle:** (_nodding proudly_) That and a million other things! And best of all - he doesn't complain or leave his nasty, sweaty socks in random places!!

**Geo:** (_coming back in carrying a bag of Gummi worms_) Hi. Hey, who's the devilishly handsome guy standing in the bathroom? 

**Eagle & Zazu:** (_stare_)

**Zazu:** Does this Geo have flashbacks to his previous life?

**Eagle:** Are you kidding? That was the first thing I altered.

**Zazu:** Well...?

**Eagle:** Oh, rapture! I've been waiting for this day! (_grins happily_) Hey, Geo!!!!

**Geo:** (_mouth full of Gummi worms_) Hm?

**Eagle:** YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK GOOODBYE!!!!!!!!!

**Geo:** (_swallowing his Gummi worms_) Come again? 

**Eagle:** Me & Zazu are booting you out in favor of a safer future and more opportunities for repeat visits from lady friends. 

**Geo:** Sooooooooo......I'm being evicted?

**Eagle:** (_nods_) Go pack up your stuff and go somewhere else!

**Geo:** (_shrugs - he's a pretty mellow guy when he needs to be_) Ok, fine. 

**Eagle:** (_confuzzled_) Huh? You mean you're just gonna leave like that?

**Geo:** Sure, why not? Lantis'll probably let me move in with him or something. (_grins evilly at Eagle and heads into his room_)

**Eagle:** (stunned) But *I* wanna live with Lantis!!

**Zazu:** o.O (_downs the rest of his beer_)

**Eagle:** (_babbling..._) I WANNA LIVE WITH LANTIS IN A VERY FINE HOUSE WITH TWO CATS IN THE YARD!!!!!

**Zazu:** (_looks at his empty beer bottle_) I need something harder than this...

***

**Scene 4:** _My isn't Lantis a lucky boy? He gets stuck living with Geo! Why do I suddenly feel so jealous?_

***

**Lantis:** ................So lemme get this straight.....Eagle built a robot clone of you that is perfect in every way, shape, and form that you are not? And he kicked you out to let this clone take your place?

**Geo:** Uh-huh (_pathetic look_) So...uhh....

**Lantis:** (_rolls eyes_) YES, Geo, you're welcome to stay with me until this all blows over.

**Geo:** Thanks!!!! (_big goofy Geo-type grin_ _as he dumps all of his stuff on Lantis's newly waxed floor)_

**Lantis:** Why do I get the feeling that I'm making a mistake?

**::cue theme to the Odd Couple::**

**Geo:** (_with a stick of Pocky hanging out of his mouth like a cigar_) So...where am I sleeping?

**Lantis:** The couch.........

**Geo:** Errrr....(_looks at the tag on Lantis's couch_) Well, I'm kinda allergic to these fibers...Poly-lycra blend gives me hives.

**Lantis:** (_siiiiiiiiigh_) 

**Geo:** SUGOI, LANTIS!!!!! (_digs through Lantis's stuff_) YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD ULTRA MARIO GALAXY XIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CANIPLAYITCANIPLAYITCANIPLAYIT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! LET ME PLAY AND I'LL TALL YOU WHO LIKES YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Lantis:** (_sweatdrops_) Sure...I'll just move my pillows & stuff...to the couch....Woah, someone likes me?!? Is she a hottie?

**Geo:** Who said it was a she? (_evil laugh_)

**Lantis:** ME AND EAGLE ARE JUST FRIENDS YOU KNOW THAT!!!!!! IF YOU SAY ONE MORE WORD I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU SLEEP ON THE COUCH AND LET YOU BREAK OUT IN NASTY FESTERING HIVES!!!!!!!!

**Geo:** Er.....(_goes back to playing Ultra Mario Galaxy XIII_)

**::8 hours later...::**

**Lantis:** (_attempting to get some sleep on the couch_) Geo....it's 3 AM and I need to wake up for work in three hours could you kindly turn that off?

**Geo:** NONONONO!!! Not until I get past the Cannibalistic Hellspawn Banana Men!!! (_makes zombie eyes at the TV_)

**Lantis:** Use the Ice Cream Scoop of Death...now can I get some sleep? PLEEEEEEAAAAASE???

**Geo:** SUGOIYO!!!!!!! IT WORKED!!!!! And all this time I was using the Ice Pick of Lucifer! Boy do I feel stupid!! 

**Lantis:** (_mutters incoherantly_) 

**

**Scene 5:** _Well, now that they have Robo Geo, life can't be bad for Eagle and Zazu!_ _But they didn't expect Robo Geo to...well, read on...otherwise you'd have no reason to continue! Marvel at the startling conclusion to "Autozam: the Sitcom" Episode 1!!! Or not...you're choice._

_ _

**Robo Geo:** May I get you some more iced tea, Father? __

_ _

**Eagle:** (_lounging in a chair wearing sunglasses and swim trunks along with Zazu_) No, that'll be fine! 

**Robo Geo:** Mr. Torque, would you care for me to do anything for you? 

**Zazu:** Mmmmm...naw. You've already cleaned my room, washed the dishes, and fed my fish. There's nothing else you can do for me...

**Robo Geo:** Would you care for some Tequila, Mr. Torque?

**Zazu:** OH BOY, WOULD I!!!!!! 

**Robo Geo:** Here you go, sir! (_hands Zazu a Tequila bottle with one of those little umbrella things in it_) I even removed the mealworm so it would not ruin your drinking pleasure.

**Zazu:** (_slurping down his Tequila_) Man, Eagle, you should've done this a long time ago!! 

**Eagle:** Amen to that! We should've replaced Geo years ago!! I can feel my stress levels lowering as we speak!!!!

**Zazu:** Hey....uhhh....Eagle...you wouldn't replace me would you?

**Eagle:** (_thoughtful_) Hmmmmmmmmm...........(_imagines having TWO kawaii bishie slaves_) MUUUUHUUUUHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

**Zazu:** (_puppy eyes_) Pwetty pweeze Eagle? 

**Eagle:** We'll see....

**Robo Geo:** Father, Mr. Torque...If it pleases you that I no longer serve you for the day, I'd like to entertain you with some talents programmed into me from the Original Mr. Metro.

** **

**Eagle:** That'd be nice! 

**Robo Geo:** If you'll excuse me. (_bows_) 

**Zazu:** What talent is he talking about it?

**Eagle:** No idea...but I'm scared now. 

**Robo Geo:** (_walks back out on the porch_) OK I'm ready.

**Eagle:** (_turning around_) OH MY KAMI-SAMA!!!!!!!!!!! 

**Robo Geo:** Am I disturbing you, Father? 

**Eagle:** ROBO GEO YOU'RE WEARING A TUTU!!!!!!

**Robo Geo:** How would I perform "Swan Lake" for your entertainment if I do not look the part, Father? (_Turns on the CD player and the music begins_. _He begins to perform "Swan Lake" much to Eagle and Zazu's horror.)_

**Zazu:** The first Geo wasn't this...err...effeminate. And was even coordinated enough to dance like that?

**Eagle:** I don't know how he...(_slaps hand to forehead_) GEO HAS A PhD IN MODERN INTERPRETIVE DANCE!!!! Somehow that was channelled into Robo Geo...

**Zazu:** You know that is is veeery traumatizing...(_drinks down the rest of his Tequila in one gulp as Robo Geo jetes across the backyard_)

**Eagle:** Sometimes I wish I weren't such a genius...(_whips out a cel phone_) But there's only one man who can combat this.

**Zazu:** You don't mean...(_Eagle nods_) But I thought...

**Eagle:** Well desperate times call for desperate measures. (_watches Robo Geo prance around in a tutu_) And this is most certainly a desperate time. (_makes...the call_)

**::10 minutes later::**

**Geo:** WHERE IS THE COTTON CANDY IN DESPERATE NEED OF MY CONSUMPTION?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!!?!?! 

**Eagle:** Ummmm....I only told you that so you'd come over here...

**Geo:** Oh, so you missed me did you? (_grins_) You MISSED the big fella hangin out here? I knew it! Ha ha!

**Eagle:** (_on his knees now_) I BESEECH YOU, GEO!!!! STOP...THAAAAT!!! (_points to Robo Geo, who's kind of "in the zone" now_) 

**Geo:** WHHHHHAAAAA!!!!! (_eyes get huge_) HE IS SO DOING THAT WRONG!!!!! 

**Zazu:** Then go show Mr. Roboto there how it's done! You can do it!

**Geo:** (_pounds his fists together_) Yup...it's about time someone showed that prima ballerina how to really bust a move!! 

**Eagle & Zazu:** YOU CAN DO IT!!

**::Geo proceeds to jete into Robo Geo's production.::**

**Robo Geo:** Well, hello there, Mr. Metro! Care to join me?

**Geo:** (_grins his trademark evil grin_) Yes, my physically endowed friend!! (_pirouettes circles around Robo Geo, eyes narrowed_) Shall we dance?

**::Robo Geo & Geo continue to dance...and dance...and dance...first performing "Swan Lake," then "The Nutcracker," then about 20 more entirely choreographed ballets, including some of their own improvised originals.::**

** **

**Geo:** (_breathing heavily and sweating like you wouldn't believe while Robo Geo keeps dancing_) I can't believe his stamina!

**Zazu:** I can't believe you lasted that long, Geo! You're the _real_ Lord of the Dance!

**Geo:** I doubt that. (_points to Robo Geo_) Just look at him! He's amazing! HEY ROBO ME!!!!

**Robo Geo:** (_stops dancing_) Yes, what may I do for you, Mr. Metro?

**Geo:** Ever considered going pro? Hell, if you can outlast me, you can outlast anyone!

**Robo Geo:** But what of Mr. Torque and Father? What would they do without my services?

**Geo:** Screw whatever happens to them! Wouldn't you rather do your own thinking? 

**Robo Geo:** Hmmmmmmm.......you're absolutely right, Mr. Metro! I would rather live life for myself rather than spending the whole duration of my existance serving humans...

**Zazu:** Um, Geo, I don't think Eagle would appreciate this...

**Geo:** (_shoves Robo Geo out the door, his CD player and tutu in tow_) Sayonarra, Robo-Me!! Good luck!!!

**Robo Geo:** (_looks at Geo with tears in his eyes_) Mr. Metro, I shall never forget you! (_engulfs him in a huge hug_) Thank you for freeing me from the bonds that hold me!

**Geo:** Uhh...you're welcome! (_slams the door behind Robo Geo_) AND DON'T FORGET TO WRITE!!!!! (_slumps against the door_) Whew!!! I'm glad that's over with.

**Zazu:** I don't think this is entirely over...(_points to something behind Geo_)

**Geo:** Hm? (_turns around_) WAAAA!!!!

**Eagle:** (_flaming mad - no pun intended LOL_) GEO YOU MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY CREATION!!!! MY BABY!!!!! AND HE'S ALL GONE BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Geo:** Oh, relax, would ya? He's better off as a free spirit than cooped up here. Besides, why would you want to be deprived of my presence?

**Eagle:** YOU'LL BE DEPRIVED OF MORE THAN THAT WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! (_chases Geo throughout their apartment..._)

**Zazu:** (_eyes narrowed and looking straignt into the camera_) They're _all_ idiots...

**fin**

_ _

_ _


	2. Episode 2: Eagle! Be a lady tonite!

Autozam: the Sitcom that Shouldn't be

**Autozam****: the Sitcom that Shouldn't be...but is!!!**

**Episode 2: Eagle! Be a Lady Tonite!******

** **

** **

** **

**::opening credits::**

*Do you really want to read the opening credits all over again? I mean, you read them in Episode One! After awhile, the monotony would get to you and you'd never read this again!!! NOOOO!!!!*

**::end the opening credits::******

***

**Scene 1:** _Poor Geo-sama! His candy addiction never did get him anywhere! Oh, and you may notice that Geo spends a lot of time in his boxers...well I'm the Geo no [obsessive fangirl] Miko so FIGURE IT OUT!!!!_

***

**Eagle:** (_coming in the door from work_) Hey guys, I'm home!

**Geo:** (_sitting on the couch in his boxers watching TV, eating a bowl of caramel corn_) You're home early. 

**Eagle:** What's for din....Geo?!? What are you doing home so early??? Don't you usually stay at work until about 7?

**Geo:** (_sweatdrop_) I....uhhh.....was...uhhhh.....

**Eagle:** (_head in hands_) Please oh PLEASE don't say fired...

**Geo:** Yeah....it was...uhh...that....

**Eagle:** Geo, how could you be fired?!?!?!?!?! You're one of the most brilliant mechanical engineers Autozam's military has ever seen!!! You've got three PhDs!! How could they fire you????

**Geo:** Well, that was _before_ the accident......

**Eagle:** WHAT ACCIDENT??????!!!!!!!

**Geo:** So, did ya catch the basketball game last night? (_shoves a handfull of caramel corn in his mouth_)

** **

**Eagle:** DON'T TRY AND CHANGE THE SUBJECT...WHAT ACCIDENT????

**::a news flash on the TV pops up::**

**News anchor:** Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this program to tell you that Autozam's Federal Building has been reduced to a pile of ashes. (_Eagle shoots a look at the traumatized Geo_). The details are rather sketchy at the time, but the definate cause of the blaze was in fact what appeared to be a _pile of Milky Way wrappers_ dropped precariously near an experimental external combustion engine. We go now to some footage from about two hours ago...where our roving reporter was on the scene...

**Eagle:** (_surprised look at Geo_) Geo I knew you were a total slob but this is beyond ridiculous! 

**Geo:** *_siiigh_* Don't think I don't know...HEY ZAZU!!!!

**Zazu:** (_walks in from the back room carrying a bottle of Schnapps and a car magazine_) Another Prozac moment there, Geo? (_Geo nods_ _as Zazu reaches into his pocket_ _and hands him a bottle of Prozac_) It's amazing how many of these you go through a week, dude. No wonder you're always so genki.

**Geo:** Thanks...(_downs the entire bottle of the pills_) It's times like this I wish I was an alcoholic like you, Zazu...

**Zazu:** I DO NOT HAVE AN ALCOHOL PROBLEM!!!! (_finishes his bottle of Schnapps and starts on another_)

**Eagle:** Geo...ummm....you may wanna look at the tube...

**::taking place on the TV::**

**TV Reporter:** ...Excuse me! Sir! A word please? 

**TV Geo:** I SWEAR I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!!! IT WASN'T ME, OK????? DON'T SAY IT WAS ME BECAUSE IT WASN'T, OK???? (_runs off screaming_) 

**TV Reporter:** Ooooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaay........well, folks, you heard it here first...He didn't do it...

**::end TV sequence thingey::**

** **

**Geo:** (_head in hands_) Zazu...do I have any bottles of Prozac left? 

**Zazu:** (_looking through the medicine cabinet_) Well, you've got some Paxil and some Zoloft and some Celexa left over...****

** **

**Geo:** I want 'em all! (_looks dejectedly into his caramel corn_) 

**Eagle:** Man, Geo, I can't believe it! You were the head of that project and you ruined it because of your little sugar indulgence. 

**Geo:** (_swallowing all of the antidepressants that he had left over_) Ooooooooo....lookit all the pretty sparkly stars...

**Zazu:** Dude, and he has to pay one third of the rent! So now what's he gonna do?

**Geo:** (_watching Robo Geo perform with a very prestigious ballet on TV_) That *sniff* that coulda been meeeee!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANNA BE IN THE SHOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Eagle:** Agh someone's knocking on the door at a time like this...(_opens the door to see a short, mean looking old lady_) Oh! Mrs. Diablo...what a nice...ummm...surprise.****

** **

**Mrs. Diablo:** Maybe not nice for you! MUUUHUUUUHAAAAHAAAHAA!!!!! I decided on a whim to raise your rent 60%!!!! 

**Eagle:** (_attempting to smile despite his eye twitching_) My...isn't that lovely....and my roomate just lost his job, too...

**Mrs. Diablo:** Well, thanks for telling me! Now I can....RAISE IT 70%!!!!!!! MUUUHUUUHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAA!!!!!!!! (_shuffles off_)

**Zazu:** Crazy old hag. Why do we even bother to put up with her? 

**Eagle:** Oh Kami-sama....(_grabs Zazu's Schnapps and guzzles it down_)****

** **

***

**Scene 2:** _Oh my! Whatever will our heroes do? While Geo attempts to win over the unamused Performance Art Crowd, Zazu finds an...interesting side job for Eagle. But is he desperate enough to actually go through with it? _

***

**Geo:** (_sitting in the middle of the park wearing a black turtleneck, black beret, and sunglasses while playing a pair of bongos_) See....Spot....Run...Spot...Runs...Fast...

**Stunned Performance Artists:** (_random comments of negative feedback_)

**Geo:** Uhhhh...wait! I can do better! Honest! (_starts banging on his bongos_) Milky Ways...my savior.....and my angst...I SWORE IT WASN'T ON PURPOSE!!!! (_hits his bongos reeeeeeaaaaally hard_) Now I'm stuck here in the park....black isn't my color!!!!! DARN YOU EXTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE!!!!!!!!!!! (_bangs his bongos so hard they cave in_) THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR BUYING CHEAP PERCUSSION INSTRUMENTS!!!!! (_throws the broken bongos in a pond_) 

**Performance Art Crowd:** (_mutters amongst themselves_)

**Geo:** Oh, COME ON! I poured my heart and soul into that one! (_sighs and whips out his ukelele_) Life...is like....a low fat milkshake....it LOOKS sweet....BUT IT TASTES INSTEAD LIKE PORK WITH PEARLS!!!!! (_strums the ukelele_) Do coconuts....migrate? Are they the spawn of kiwifruit...and....rocks?? (_strums the ukelele some more_) One day I hired a monkey...to take notes for me...in class...I got...an F. (_plays the ukelele reeeeeeaaaally hard_) DARN YOU EXTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (_breaks all the strings on his ukelele_)

**Performance Art Crowd:** (_shake their many and varied heads while they walk off, unimpressed_)

**Geo:** WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIT!!!!! (_they ignore him_) PLEASE DON'T SHOVE ME AWAY LIKE SO MANY SARDINES IN A CAN!!!!!!!! PLEEEEAAAASEEEE?????!!!!! I NEED YOUR MONEEEEEEEEEY!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAA!!!!! DARN YOU EXTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE!!!!!!!! (_throws his broken ukelele into the pond_) And I didn't get to use the squid, either! (_throws the squid cadavers into the pond, where they promptly get devoured by the local fish, forever changing their diet and causing them to become extinct due to shortage of food._)

** **

**Performance Beatnik Artist Guy:** Hey, buddy!

**Geo:** Yes?!!?!?!?!

**Performance Beatnik Artist Guy:** I'll give you ten dollars to SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH!! (_throws a $10 bill at Geo_)

**Geo:** Lord, what fools these mortals be! Oh, well. I never liked turtlenecks...(_picks up the dollar and peels off his shirt...much to the delight of the author, who, of course, passes out from a nosebleed!!_)

**Performance Beatnik Artist Guy:**I'LL GIVE YOU TEN MORE DOLLARS IF YOU PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON AND STOP MAKING US LOOK BAD!!!!

**Geo:** Uhhhhh...(_looks at the author_)

**Sailor Ghost aka the author:** NO WAY, BUCKO!!! LEAVE IT OFF OR I'M THROWING _YOU_ INTO THE POND!!!!

**Geo:** Sorry! (_shrugs_)

**Performance Beatnik Artist Guy:** Well my abs are still hotter! NYAH!! (_the author throws him into the pond for insulting Geo's beautiful beefed-up bod_) 

** **

**::meanwhile...back at the ranch...well, apartment to be more precise::**

**Zazu:** (_looking through the newspaper_)Wow, Eagle, I never knew that there were so many jobs in the Autozam metropolitan area! 

**Eagle:** (_head on the table_) I just hope that Geo makes some money with that performance art thing. The incident at the Federal Building is probably going to cost him his career.

**Zazu:** Hey, here's something interesting..."GWM seeks..."

**Eagle:** What's a GWM?

**Zazu:** I think it's some kind of foreign vegetable.

**Eagle:** Well, I'm not a veggie man, but circle it anyways. 

**Zazu:** (_circles it_) You know, if all else fails I do have a nice backup plan! 

**Eagle:** I'm not moving into the NSX, Zazu. Not until they spray the old man smell out of it.

**Zazu:** That's not what I was thinking......

**Geo:** (_walking in the door, half asleep and carrying his turtleneck_) I swear that no one has any appreciation for the arts these days...

**Zazu:** What was your haul? 

**Geo:** Ten dollars and a drooling fangirl. (_opens the freezer and takes out a carton of Haagen Dahz and a giant spoon_)

**Eagle & Zazu:** Drooling fangirls...feh! We get those all the time! (_Geo flicks ice cream in their faces with the giant spoon)_

**Zazu:** Mmmmmmmm....Irish Creeeaaaaam.....!!! (_Geo flicks more ice cream at him_) D'oh!

**Eagle:** Geo - you've gotta find a job or something soon so you can pay the rent! 

**Geo:** (_chowing down on the Haagen Dahz...completely oblivious to the fact that he's lactose intolerant_) Why aren't you complaining to Zazu? He doesn't have a job.

**Zazu:** Child labor laws! (_grins evilly_) Plus I have to be here cuz I'm a dependant on Eagle's income tax. (_sticks his tongue out at Geo_)

**Geo:** YOU'RE WHAT????!!!! EAGLE YOU TAX FRAUDING LITTLE [expletive]!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S MORE BELIEVEABLE IF _I_ TRY TO PASS HIM OFF AS MY ILLIGETIMATE SON!!!!!!!!!!

**Eagle:** (_reading the newspaper_) Yeah, but you haven't had a date in all your 24 years.

**Geo:** (_attempts to complain, but realizes that Eagle is right_) Errrr....yah...well...Hey, how did the job hunting go? 

**Eagle:** Peachy. 

**Zazu:** I HAVE THE SOLUTION TO ALL OUR PROBLEMS!!!! (_walks in wearing Geo's sunglasses and carrying a white cane_ _and a cup_) Please sir...alms? Alms? (_offers his cup to Eagle, who gives him an odd look and goes back to reading the paper._) Cheapskate...

**Geo:** You gotta make yourself more pathetic to get some sympathy cash, Zazu.

**Zazu:** (_grins evilly - a strange habit he picked up from Geo-sama_) Already a step ahead of you! (_holds up a paper bag with a bottle of Tequila inside_) 

**Geo:** Zazu...you must've been dropped on your head as an infant.

**Zazu:** Eeeeeehhhhhhh...you're just jealous because I'm more creative than you are. (_picks up a section of the newspaper_) Hey! The Miss Autozam pagent is in 2 weeks! Will you drive me there, Geo?!?!?!?!!? PLEEEEEEAAAAASE?????!!!! I WANNA SCOPE OUT ALL THE PRETTY CHICKS!!!!!!!!! 

**Geo:** Sorry, I was planning on writing some bleak and dreary autobiographical poetry then. (_downs an extra bottle of Prozac_) I mean...sure! 

**Zazu:** Says here that there's a one million dollar pri...(_all three guys stop what they're doing_)

**Eagle:** One...million....(_drools_) Too bad I'm not a woman.

**Geo:** (_thoughtful_)Well, you could try for a few hours...

**Zazu:** Yah, wearing a dress couldn't hurt...

**Eagle:** WOAH WOAH WOAH!!!!! HOLD THE PHONE!!!! Why is it that _I'M_ nominated for this??? Why can't _YOU_ do it Geo????

**Geo:** (_stares at Eagle incredulously_) I'm 6'8", my shoulders are as wide as a Cadillac, and I can bench press my own weight - oh, _YEAH_, Eagle, I'm _REAL_ woman material. Plus, what if there's a swimsuit competition? It'd be kind of a dead giveaway that I'm a guy...cuz...well...you know... 

**Eagle:** Zazu???

**Zazu:** My hormones are in full swing. I doubt it would be safe for all the babes backstage. (_laughs letcherously_)

**Eagle:** (_sighs_) Well, then, I guess that we won't....

**Zazu & Geo:** DO IT EAGLE!!!!!! 

**Eagle:** NO!!

**Geo:** Fine. (_grabs Eagle's arm and pins it against his back._)

**Eagle:** (_wincing in pain_) Geo....let go...please!! (_cries pained tears_)

**Geo:** Say "Grandma Moses makes munchy meatballs most Mondays!!!"

**Eagle:** GRANDMAMOSESMAKESMUNCHYMEATBALLSMOSTMONDAYS!!!!!!! NOW LEGGO!!!

**Geo:** Say "Geo, you're my best friend in the entire world and I will enter the Miss Autozam pagent to fulfill our monetary needs!!!!"

**Eagle:** GEOYOUREMYBESTFRIENDINTHEENTIREWORLDANDIWILLENTERTHEMISS (_gasps for breath_) AUTOZAMPAGENTTOFULFILLOURMONETARYNEEDS!!!!!!! Now will you...Oh, Kami-sama...(_realized what he said_)

**Geo:** Hehehehehehehehe. (_lets go_) Works every time! 

***

**Scene 3:** _Well, Eagle is understandably reluctant to be trodded out in front of people while wearing women's clothing. Can Lantis talk him into it? I think we all know the answer to that one!_

***

**Eagle:** (_flipping through a Vogue magazine_) Hmmm...lessee...am I a Fire Engine Red or a Pearly Pink?

**Geo:** You're a nut for wanting to actually _buy_ makeup. 

**Zazu:** So, what, is he gonna rent it?

**Geo:** (_holds up some random chemicals_) I say why not go ahead and make your OWN.

**Zazu:** That's disturbing... 

**Geo:** I am so misunderstood! (_walks off to his room to go play with his chemistry set_)

**Eagle:** ZAAAAAAZUUUU!!!! (_holds up a magazine article_) I'm trying to find my "perfect look..." Would say my personality type is Diva or Sweetie-pie?

**Zazu:** I'd say you were a fruitcake. 

** **

**Eagle:** You're no help. This would've been you if you weren't such a letcherous little perv.

**Zazu:** Yah, well I am so deal with it! (_thinks the thoughts of a letcherous little perv and drools_) 

**Eagle:** (_sighs_) OK, I think I'll go with Diva...

**Geo:** So, you're trying to find your "New Look?" May I make a suggestion?

**Eagle:** Sure... 

**Geo:** (_holds up a Sekiria poster and points to Priss_) LOOK LIKE HER!! LOOK LIKE HER!!!

**Zazu:** Oh, God, Eagle, he's doing that thing again...(_NOTE: see Ep.1 for more details about Geo's previous life_)

**Eagle:** Errr...I don't think I'd look too good in leather...

**Geo:** (_looks at the poster_) What is this thing? Eh. (_throws it over his shoulder_ _and heads back to his room_)

**Zazu:** It's amazing how fleeting his memory is. Must be his sugar intake. 

**Eagle:** This is definately not my proudest moment...(_flips through an issue of Seventeen_) Oh wow! Me and Brad Pitt both like chocolate ice cream!

**Zazu:** (_flipping through Eagle's discarded Vogue and drooling_) I think Victoria just told me her secret! (_passes out with a nosebleed_)

**Geo:** Hey Eagle! (_comes in with arms full of weird looking things_) I made you some makeup with some random chemicals I found lying around the house. You know...to minimize the embarassment of having to actually _buy_ it. 

**Eagle:** I DUN WANNA!!!!! (_attempts to run off, But Geo grabs him by the headband_)

**Geo:** No, no, no my reluctant friend! I spent all of ten minutes and the leftovers from my high school chemistry class to do this for you! AND ACCEPT MY SERVICES YOU SHALL!!!! (_makes Eagle sit in a chair_) 

**Eagle:** Geo, you REALLY don't expect me to...

**Geo:** OH WHAT FOUL AND PITEOUS PLEBIANS GOD HATH BESTOWED UPON ME!!!! (_feigns crying_) I ONLY TRIED TO MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR MY BEST FRIEND...BUT HE....BUT HE.....(_feigns crying some more_)

**Eagle:** (_sighs_) OK, Geo, I'll do it for you...(_trys on some of the makeup_)

**Geo:** Whaddya think??

**Eagle:** Well, my sinuses have cleared and I have an increased feeling of self-satisfaction...

**Geo:** Yah, I had to mush up some of my medications to get the colors just right.

**Zazu:** I can clear up my sinuses and have an increased feeling of self-satisfaction the _natural_ way! (_holds up a bottle of booze_) BEHOLD!!!!

**Eagle:** Aren't you supposed to acting like a little hentai right about now?

**Zazu:** Oh, but this is _SO_ much funner.

**::20 minutes later::**

**Zazu:** (_pulling on a door handle_) EAGLE!!! COME OF OF THE [expletive] CLOSET!!!!! YOU CAN'T HIDE IN THERE FOREVER, YOU KNOW!!! 

**Eagle:** (_from inside the closet_) NONONONONONOOOO!!!!!! I'M LIVING IN HERE!!!! DESPITE THE CRAMPED QUARTERS, IT'S QUITE COMFORTABLE!!!!!!!!!

**Geo:** Fine. If you're staying in there, then I'm going have to eat this BIG HONKIN' BAG OF M&Ms ALL BY MY LONESOME SELF!!!!!!! 

**Eagle:** (_soft voice_) Crispy M&Ms? 

**Zazu:** Geo, you don't have any...MMPH!!! (_Geo shoves a dirty, sewaty sock in Zazu's mouth_)

**Geo:** OH YEAH, EAGLE..._CRISPY_ M&Ms!!!!! MMMMMM.....YUMMY!!!!!

**::the doorknob to the closet slooooowly turns from the inside...::**

**Eagle:** (_wearing a long prom gown, high heels, makeup, the works!!!!_) I want some...

**Geo & Zazu:** AAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! AHAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *_snort_* AHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

** **

**Zazu:** Eagle I swear...*_snort_*....if I didn't already know you were a man...*_guffaw_* I'd try to pick you up like a cheap girl at a bar!! (_falls on floor laughing_)

**Eagle:** (_turning red_) I want some M&Ms...

**Geo:** (_laughs so hard he starts choking_) You fell for the oldest trick in the book! (_chokes some more and has to go get a drink of water_)

**Eagle:** BUT I WANT SOME M&Ms!!!!!!!!!! IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DOOOO!!!!!! (_mascara starts running_)

**::knock at the door::**

**Zazu:** The door...is OPEN. 

**Lantis:** Hi I just wanted to borrow a Phillips head...(_sees Eagle and little pink hearts dance around his head_) Oh, hey there sexy! 

**Zazu:** (_laughs so hard he cries_) Heh, heh, you're on your own here! (_grins evilly at Eagle, who is mentally putting Zazu through seven different types of torture, both physical AND mental_)

**Lantis:** Can I have your number?????

**Eagle:** (_trying to sound like a woman_) Why you silly, silly man!! EEEEHEEEHEEEHEE!!!!!!!!!

**Lantis:** ...'cuz if you aren't doing anything Friday night....

**Eagle:** EEEEHEEEEHEEEHEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! (_sees the window of opportunity opening before_ _him..._) TAKE ME I'M YOURS!!!! (_jumps into Lantis's arms_) EEEHEEEEEHEEEHEEE!!!!!!

**Lantis:** (_nosebleeding_) Lantis, you stud, you still have it!

**Geo:** (_walking in after his choking fit_) Well, Eagle, it looks like your dream has come true *_snirk_* 

**Lantis:** Eagle.....?!? (_looks at the lady in his arms_. _Eagle grins, embarassed._) EAGLE???!!!!!???!! (_drops him and tries to rub the "cooties" onto his pants_) Ewwwwwwww.......Do you mind if I ask _WHY_....??? 

**Eagle:** Errr....I lost a bet...?

**Lantis:** Must've been _some_ bet...

**Geo:** (_shoving Eagle onto the couch_) He's entering the Miss Autozam pageant in an attempt to earn some extra cash for us.

**Lantis:** So why aren't you and Zazu entering?

**Zazu:** Because I'm a horny little hentai! MUUUUHUUHAAAHAAAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!****

** **

**Geo:** And swimsuits flatter me a little TOO well.....(_this author proceeds to get a nosebleed while their phone rings_) I'll get it! (_runs off_)

**Lantis:** (_sits down on the couch next to Eagle_) That's pretty brave of you to do that for your friends, you know. 

**Zazu:** Ew, things are going to get corny. I'll be in my room getting drunk if any fangirls should come for me.

**Eagle:** (_rubbing his eyes and smearing his mascara_) You really think so? 

**Lantis:** (_nods_) You're obviously a good friend if you're crossdressing for Geo and Zazu! 

**Eagle:** (_little pink hearts dancing around his head_) That's so sweet....(_hugs Lantis while the live studio audience goes AWWWWWWWWW_)

**Lantis:** So you'll do it?

** **

**Eagle:** (_standing up_) YES I WILL!!!! I'LL BE THE PRETTIEST STINKING WOMAN THAT AUTOZAM HAS EVER LAID EYES ON!!!!!!!!!!!

**Geo:** That's great, RuPaul. Too bad the Miss Autozam commission called and said that the pageant was cancelled due to lack of interest...

**Eagle:** (_face falls_) But I'm ever so pretty!!!!!.....and now we're poor again!!!!! DARN YOU GEO AND YOUR EXTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE!!!!!!!!! 

**Geo:** Well, if it's any consolation...I called my boss and got my old job back. 

**Lantis:** But you burned your office down...

**Geo:** Yeah, but extortion can get you far these days! So now I'm raking in twice the cash with half the work! 

**Zazu:** (_walks in holding a cue card saying "things work out too easily"_) And in an effort to increase our ratings despite all these cheesy plots and endings, here's footage of what _REALLY_ goes on in Eagle's head...

**::cut to footage of Eagle & Lantis skipping through a field of pansies while the end credits roll::**

**Zazu:** Hoya mama, that's creepy....

**fin**


	3. Episode 3: THE BOY HAS THE POWER!!!

Autozam: the Sitcom that Shouldn't be

**Autozam****: the Sitcom that Shouldn't be...but is!!!**

**Episode 3: THE BOY HAS THE POWER!!!**

** **

** **

** **

**::opening credits::**

o.O Hoooooo, no!! I'm not typing these up again! If you want to so desperately see the opening credits I suggest you....GO TO EPISODE ONE!!!!! *_smacks you with a wet sponge_*****

** **

**::end opening credits::**

** **

***

**Scene 1:** _Zazu is such a gifted child...in more ways than one! Who else can down five bottles of Tequila and still be able to walk in a straight line? Well, a couple of door-to-door preachers discover one of his lesser-known talents..._ ****

*******

** **

**Geo:** (_reading the newspaper and talking to Eagle_) You know, they really need to fix that little plumbing problem at the orphanage. 

**Eagle:** There's no plumbing problem at the orphanage! Lemme see!! (_attempts to grab the newspaper from Geo, spilling his cereal into his lap instead_)

**Geo:** Serves you right. (_sticks his tongue out at a blushing Eagle_) 

**Zazu:** (_walking into the kitchen, half asleep_) Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........****

** **

**Geo:******Look who finally decided to wake up. You're lucky - I didn't eat the last Pop Tart this time.

**Eagle:** (_trying to dry his pants_) Good morning, Zazu! Did you sleep well?

**Zazu:** MUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHH!!!!!!!! (_runs into the wall_)

**Eagle:** What?! Zazu, are you alright? 

**Zazu:** (_standing up and trudging over to the fridge, where he gets a bottle of beer and sits down at the table, almost totally asleep_) Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh..........

**Eagle:** Zazu?! What's wrong???

**Geo:** It's the morning of the living dead! Heh. 

**Eagle:** Is there something wrong with him?? You're a doctor!

**Geo:** First of all, I'm not a MEDICAL doctor. Second, everyone's like this in the morning...save for maybe you, because you're a morning person.

**Zazu:** Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........*_snort_* beeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr....

**Eagle:** Does he usually speak in monosyllabic moans?

**Geo:** Uhhhh-huh.

**Zazu:** SHUT UP THE BOTH OF YOU!!!! DON'T DISCUSS MY MORNING RITUAL!!!!! IT MAKES ME SICK!!!!!! (_drinks his beer_) Good morning.

**Geo:** Fine then. (_gets up and walks into the bathroom_)

**Zazu:** Good riddance, you cabbagehead.

**Eagle:** ZAZU! I won't permit talk like that in this apartment! 

**Zazu:** (_mutters some REALLY bad words that are very unfit to print_)

**Eagle:** Oh my...(_hears a knock at the door and goes to answer it_)

**Door-to-door preacher #1:** Hello, friend! Would you like to join us on the path to enlightenment? 

**Eagle:** I DON'T WANT ONE OF YOUR [expletive] VACUUM CLEANERS!!!!! WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE!?!?! (_attempts to shut the door, but the preachers dodge it and invite themselves in_)

**Door-to-door preacher #2:** Ohohohohohohohohoho! We're not selling vacuum cleaners, my friend! We're here on a mission from Kami-sama!! (_gets bathed in a shower of glowing lights_)

**Eagle:** How come those guys get better lighting?!?!

**Door-to-door preacher #1:** He gets that good lighting from the power of Kami-sama! A power you can have if you change your evil ways!!!! (_shakes a religious object in Eagle's face_)

**Eagle:** I'm not evil...can you please go?

**Geo:** (_comes running in from the bathroom, his face all sliced up and bleeding_) MOTHEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

**Eagle:** Geo...what happened to your face???!!!

**Geo:**I HAD A LITTLE SHAVING ACCIDENT!!!!!!! 

**Eagle:** Well, Geo, this is what happens if you don't change your blade every once in a while...

**Geo:** (_picks up Eagle by the collar_) DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT!!!!!!!! 

**Door-to-door preacher #2:** The devil has given that man immense strength! We must convert him to see the light! (_attempts to convert Geo, but Zazu walks in at the last minute_)

**Zazu:** CAN I ENJOY MY BOOZE IN PEA...woah, Geo, you look like [expletive]! Here let's see if I can fix you up...(_grabs his hand and takes him into the kitchen_)

**Door-to-door preacher #1:** I sense some holy vibes coming from that boy!!

**Geo:** (_comes walking in with about 50 Band-Aids on his face_) I'm going into my room to sulk. 

**Door-to-door preacher #2:** THAT BOY HAS CURED THAT MAN OF HIS ILLS!!!!

** **

**Door-to-door preacher #1:** THE BOY IS FILLED WITH THE HEALING POWER OF KAMI-SAMA!!!!! 

**Zazu:** All I did was Band-Aid his face...

** **

**Door-to-door preachers #1&2:** THE BOY HAS THE POWER!!!!!!!

** **

**Eagle:** Whaaaat??? Zazu?? (_looks at Zazu, who shrugs_)

**Door-to-door preacher #2:** Kami-sama has given this boy THE POWER!!!! The power to HEAL!!!!

**Zazu:** I think you misunderstood...all I did was Band-Aid his face...

**Door-to-door preacher #1:** WE MUST SPREAD THE NEWS TO ALL OF AUTOZAM THAT THIS BOY HAS THE POWER!!!!!!!! (_picks up Zazu and throws him over his shoulder_)

**Zazu:** Where are you taking me, you queers????!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEagle!!!!! What are they doing????!!!!

**Eagle:** Yah, what are you guys doing?!?!?!?!

**Door-to-door preacher #2:** We're going to spread the joys of this boy's POWER TO HEAL!!!!

**Eagle:** Oooooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaay. Just make sure he brushes his teeth.

**Zazu:** DARN YOU EAGLE VISION!!!!!! DARN YOU WITH A MILLION PLAGUES!!!!!! (_pounds on the preacher's back as he's going out the door_) LEGGO OF ME YOU CHILD PREDATOR!!!!!!

**Eagle:** My, I hope I'm not making a mistake...

***

Scene 2: _EAGLE DID WHAT?!?! Now what will all the Zazu fangirls of the world do?! Besides wither away and die, I mean. Of course, Zazu wasn't expecting to have his 15 minutes of fame so early in life, so I guess they don't mind too much._

***

**Geo:** You did WHAT?!

**Eagle:** I gave Zazu away to the door-to-door preachers.

**Geo:** WHY?!?!?!?!

**Eagle:** They think he has some kind of "healing power" because of what he did for your shaving accident.

**Geo:** HE COVERED ME WITH HYDROGEN PEROXIDE AND STUCK A BOX OF BAND-AIDS ON MY FACE!!!!!! HOW THE HECK DOES THAT CONSTITUTE HEALING?!?!?!?!?!? 

**Eagle:** Don't ask me. By the way, this came for you today. (_hands Geo an envelope_)

**Geo:** Hm? (_opens it_) HOLY SEKIRIA!!!!!!!! My sister Prizma is getting married! 

**Eagle:** How nice! When is she getting married??

**Geo:** (_sweatdropping_) Three days....guess I have to get a tux or something.

**::meanwhile...in a cathedral on the other side of town::**

**Door-to-door preacher #1:** Oh, Autozam's Pope equivalent, we bring you a boy whose blessed with THE POWER TO HEAL ALL ILLS!!!!

**Door-to-door-preacher #2:** We saw him cure a victim of a shaving accident before our very unworthy eyes!!! 

**Autozam's Pope equivalent:** Bring me the boy and I shall see if he is indeed blessed by the great and powerful Kami-sama to heal all the world's ills!!

**Zazu:** (_walks into the cathedral_) Yo, nice digs you got here. Can I go home now? 

**Autozam's Pope equivalent:** SILENCE!!! What is your name, my son?

**Zazu:** Zazu. Zazu Torque.

**Autozam's Pope equivalent:** And are you, Zazu Torque, indeed blessed with the POWER of Kami-sama??

**Zazu:** Whaaaaaat?!?!

** **

**Door-to-door preacher #1:** Yes, your Holiness!!! He cured a man of his severe razor burn! 

**Autozam's Pope equivalent:** SILENCE YOU PLEBIAN!!! YOU ALREADY SAID THAT!!!!! 

**Zazu:** Oh, you mean Geo. Yah, that bum's always getting hurt. I just dumped hydrogen peroxide on his face...

**Autozam's Pope equivalent:** *_GAAAAAAAAASP_* HE IS INDEED BLESSED!!!! (_points to Zazu_) We must tell the world about this miraculous boy and his words of healing, "hydrogen peroxide!" 

**Zazu:** You're all nuts...(_realizes that becoming famous equates to getting chicks_) I mean to say...Yes, I most certainly AM blessed! And I want to share my gift with the WORLD!!! MWAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**::cut back to the apartment::**

**Eagle:** Ah, TV sweet TV. (_switches on the tube_) 

**Geo:** Yah, there's nothing quite like the mind-numbing radiation of the boob tube. Twizzler? (_offers Eagle the package_) 

**Eagle:** (_takes one_) Why thank you, Geo. Kinda quiet around here without Zazu...

**Geo:** (_mouth full of Twizzlers_) Not exactly. Lookit the tube.

**::on the tube::**

**Talk show host:** Our next guest is the rising new star in the faith healing business, and he'll be giving a demonstration of his gift at the Cathedral on Thurdsay! Please welcome Zazu Torque!

**Zazu:** (_walks on stage like he's the cat's meow...and in this case he is!_) Thank you! (_blows kisses at the audience and several fangirls faint_) Thank you! You're beautiful! (_sits down in the chair while several fangirls throw roses and undergarments at him_)

**Talk show host:** Zazu, you're one of the rising stars in the faith healing world...what do you have to say to all those skeptics out there?

**Zazu:** Well, I only have one thing to say to them...[expletive]!!!!!!!!!

**Everyone:** o.O

**Zazu:** I mean....KAMI-SAMA BLESSED ME!!! DO YOU WANT TO DOUBT THE POWER OF KAMI-SAMA AND BE CAST INTO THE ABYSS?!?!?!

**Everyone:** No! WE DOUBT NOT KAMI-SAMA'S POWERS!!!!!

**Zazu:** Then come see me on Saturday at the big Cathedral downtown where I will be giving a free performance of my powers!!! 

**Everone:** YAY!!! FREE!!! THE BOY IS BLESSED BY KAMI-SAMA!!!!

**::cut back to the apartment::**

**Eagle:** Wow, he's really relishing this. 

**Geo:** (_mouth full of Twizzlers...again_) I blame society.

**Eagle:** You blame society for everything! You sound like my grandpa.

**Geo:** But I'm not your grandpa. I'm an artist that no one appreciates.

**Eagle:** Ehhhh. Maybe we could go see Zazu...you know to give him our support even though he's making a baka out of himself?

**Geo:** My sister is getting married that day. You're on your own. 

**Eagle:** You could pop in during the reception, though? I mean, she is getting married right next door. 

**Geo:** (_rolls eyes_) Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............fine.

**Eagle:** Yay! 

**Geo:** Oh, speak for yourself!

***

**Scene 3:** _It's Zazu's big day! But of course, someone will ruin it - I mean the guys have some pretty bad luck. Well, just read on...nothing to see here._

***

**Zazu:** (_backstage wearing a very tacky white suit with sequins on the collar_) Oy I'm nervous...What if I screw up???

**Eagle:** I'm sure you'll do fine Zazu! I mean, you really wowed people on that talk show. 

**Zazu:** Yah, but the people who watch that kind of stuff are easily swayed!

**Eagle:** True, true. 

**Zazu:** I need a drink!!! (_attempts to open a bottle of vodka, but Eagle snatches it away_) 

**Eagle:** No, Zazu! You need to be sober for this! 

**Zazu:** Just a l'il bit? (_Eagle shakes his head_) Siiiiiiiiiiigh.....

**Eagle:** Now go! (_shoves Zazu onto the stage_)

**::The moment of truth...::**

**Zazu:** Hello, my people!

**Crowd:** ZAZUUUUU!!! WE LOVE YOOOOOOU!!!!!!!

**Zazu:** Come forth, my children! Allow the power of Kami-sama to heal all of your ills! 

**Victim #1:** Mr. Torque, I have a nasty, festering planters wart on my foot! Heal me! Heal me with your power!!!

**Zazu:** (_whips out some Compound W_) BE HEALED!!! BE HEALED!!! (_rubs it all over the dude's foot_)

**Victim #1:** ZAZU TORQUE CURED ME WITH HIS MAGICAL CREAM!!!! THANKS BE TO KAMI-SAMA!!!!

**Crowd:** THANKS BE TO KAMI-SAMA!!!! ZAZU TORQUE PERFORMS MIRACLES!!!! 

**Zazu:** And what ails you, my son? 

**Victim #2:** My stomach is pained with indigestion! I fear it is the chili I ate for dinner.

**Zazu:** (_whips out some Tums and pours them down the guy's mouth_) NOW BE HEALED OF THE FIRE THAT PLAGUES YOUR BELLY!!! 

**Victim #2:** Zazu Torque has healed me! PRAISE BE TO KAMI-SAMA!!!

**Crowd:** TRUELY KAMI-SAMA IS WORKING THROUGH THIS BOY!!!!

**Zazu:** Now, what is disturbing you?

**Victim #3:** I fear that my life is worthless if I don't have a man. Society has poisoned my brain with its ideals!

**Zazu:** (_looks at audience and jumps into the young lady's arms_) FEAR NOT, FOR I SHALL BE YOUR MAN!!!!!!!

**Crowd:** Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (_several fangirls throw tomatoes at the lady_)

**::Suddenly, the door to the Cathedral flies open and Geo runs in, looking very, very sexy in a tux and apparently choking on something. He staggers his way over to the stage...::**

** **

**Man in crowd:** The man is possessed by the devil!!!(_the crowd erupts_)

**Geo:** (_turning blue_) Cho....cho.......kiiiiing....

**Woman in crowd:** HE SPEAKS THE DEVIL'S TONGUE!!!! 

**Crowd:** EXORCISE HIM, ZAZU TORQUE!!!!!

**Zazu:** (_worried_) Don't worry, Geo...I'll do something...errrrr.....umm....BEGONE WITH YOU, SATAN!!! (_punches Geo in the gut....but that prooves fruitless because he doesn't HAVE a gut._)

**Man in crowd:** SATAN HAS A HOLD ON THAT MAN!!!! HE'S MAKING HIS FACE TURN BLUE!!!!

**Geo:** Good.........bye........wo....rl......d.....

**Zazu:** BEGONE, SATAN!!!!! LEAVE THIS MAN!!! (_grabs Geo around the waist and, in an amazing feat of strength, gives him the Heimlich maneuver._)

**Geo:** HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!! (_hacks up a piece of half-eaten wedding cake and passes out from lack of strength_) 

**Crowd:** ZAZU TORQUE HAS DONE IT AGAIN!!!!!!

**Woman in crowd:** Hey! That man wasn't possessed!! He was just choking to death on a piece of half-eaten wedding cake! (_points to the nasty mess on stage_) See! 

**Man in crowd:** YAH! And his "cures" are nothing but common, over-the-counter medications!! 

**Crowd:** ZAZU TORQUE IS A FRAUD!!!! (_several people throw tomatoes at him_) 

**Zazu:** NOOOO!!!!! COME BACK MY PEOPLE!!!!! (_everyone files out, save for the author who fainted from a nosebleed when Geo walked in wearing a tux_) Awwwwww......

**Eagle:** (_coming out from backstage_) Well, Zazu, you lost your following....but at least you did do something worthwhile. (_points at Geo's motionless body_)

**Zazu:** Yah, and now he owes me big time! 

**Eagle:** I think he was fortunate that his sister's wedding was right next door.

**Zazu:** (_blinks_) No, I think he's just fortunate to have me save his butt everytime he does something stupid. 

**Eagle:** Well, that too. Kami-sama works in mysterious ways. 

**Zazu:** Yah, but he never gave me anything special and exploitable like healing powers!

**Eagle:** Well, no one appreciates cheesy 80s programming like _Diff'rent Strokes_ like you...

**Zazu:** HEY THAT SHOW RULES!!!!

**Eagle:** It sucks!!!

**Zazu:** IT RULES!!

**Eagle:** SUCKS! 

**Zazu:** RULES! (_he takes a swing at Eagle and a fight ensues_)

**fin**


End file.
